the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
