Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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