In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
