My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
