I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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