So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
