Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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