I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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