the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
