good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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