Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
