Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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