Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
