I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
