respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
