Whod you bang
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
