First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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