he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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