Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
