your parents love me but you hate me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
