ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
