My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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