omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
