I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
