I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
