Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
