If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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