I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
