Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Couch. On fire.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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