my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
