So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
