Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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