But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
