Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
