Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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