Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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