She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
