So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
