Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
