after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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