she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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