yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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