eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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