i jhust puked up my retainher.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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