The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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