I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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