so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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