If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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