and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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