Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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