Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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