Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
