I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
