awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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